We are all weird

I have lived in a society, where people think being a woman as well as a divorcee (baca: janda) is something a courteous woman should keep in secrecy. So did I, that I never openly shared or confirmed. I wanted people to see me as I am, not as a janda – as I know they would feel sorry for me or mock me. I was so fancy that people would not realise that I am a janda as well as a single parent.

Overtime, I became quite proficient at looking after and managing my life, as a person as well as a parent – covering almost every aspect in our life, be it economically, socially, spiritually, and emotionally. My daughter and I – we were both happy and content. I got so good at it, in fact, I actually preferred this life. I truly enjoyed this life and felt very grateful every single moment that to me this life was just perfect. Because through juggling my life and had almost no time to waste, not only I tasted freedom but also I strengthened my core, physically and mentally. In the midst of what for other people seemed to be a tough life, I found my life is full of amazement and I am at peace with the world. . . similar to that of a wonderful journey.

I never think about what other people think anymore, but I am still a divorcee – a janda. I still do not intentionally share or confirm my status. But occasionally when people know that I don’t feel sorry for being a janda – instead they know that I am very happy and proud, most of them think I am weird for feeling relieved and happy being a janda. Sometimes I’ve tried to explain to them why I am happy. But they can’t relate. So I’m still a weirdo in their eyes.

Kulit

Ini terkait #blm. Saya mudah memahami mengapa gerakan itu muncul atas reaksi terhadap kematian George Floyd. Bahkan, saya dapat memahami (bukan menyetujui) tindakan anarki berupa penjarahan dan pengrusakan terkait #blm.

Ada teman yang bingung, dan bertanya berulang kali “sebenarnya, apa masalahnya?” dan menambahkan, “kan polisinya sudah ditangkap?”. Saya bingung, dan nyaris bertanya, “lo kemana aja, emang ngga pernah baca berita?”. Tapi saya tahan karena merasa kurang sopan kalau bertanya seperti itu.

Komentar Samantha Katie dalam akun IG nya tentang kemarahan orang kulit hitam di Amerika menjelaskan kebingungan saya.

Saya tiba-tiba ingat pada sebuah kejadian beberapa tahun lalu – tahun 2007-2008. Waktu itu saya keki pada sekelompok orang yang memasang spanduk bertuliskan “Orang Kristen dilarang bangun rumah di sini”. Saya mengutarakan keki saya pada seorang teman, Muslim. Responnya, “Ngga apa. Kan hanya wacana.” Teman saya merasa keki saya itu sesuatu yang berlebih.

Saya menarik benang merah. Kedua teman saya itu, mereka berdua adalah kaum mayoritas. Mereka lahir dengan semua hak istimewa mereka. Bisa dipastikan, mereka tidak pernah merasakan ada di posisi George Floyd, atau orang-orang yang karena agamanya diusir dari sebuah wilayah di Indonesia (atau bahkan ditolak penguburan jenasahnya). Mereka mungkin tidak akan pernah merasakan dipersulit naik pangkat karena warna kulit. Mereka mungkin tidak akan pernah merasakan ikut undian yang hadiahnya (kalau dapat) tidak dapat mereka nikmati (misalnya, umroh). Artinya, mereka tidak pernah merasa keki. Keki: mau marah ngga bisa karena kondisinya memang sudah begitu.

George Floyd bisa marah gimana, ketika ia terlahir sebagai kulit hitam? Kaum Tionghoa bisa marah gimana, ketika ia terlahir sebagai Cina? Mereka yang lumpuh sejak lahir bisa protes ke siapa, ketika dilahirkan tanpa kaki?

Mereka yang lahir dengan hak istimewa tidak akan bisa paham rasa frustrasi. Mereka yang lahir dengan hak istimewa sulit paham bahwa frustrasi karena tidak bisa mengubah keadaan dapat berubah menjaadi kemarahan dan gelap mata. Mereka yang lahir dengan hak istimewa akan sulit memahami pengalaman orang yang ditindas karena lahir berbeda. Mereka yang lahir dengan hak istimewa seringnya punya pengalaman yang baik dan positif dalam hidup mereka. Sehingga ketika ada orang menuturkan pengalaman mereka yang berbeda akan dipertanyakan atau dianggap bohong. Mereka yang lahir dengan hak istimewa, merasa tanpa dosa melakukan diskriminasi Mereka ini kesulitan untuk bisa paham pengalaman menyakitkan (karena nyaris tidak akan pernah mengalami seumur hidup mereka). Bahkan, dalam usaha empati mereka pun – ada diskriminasi.

Lalu kalau sudah, dengan mudahnya minta maaf karena ” I’m not in your shoes to understand this fully” – Samantya Katie.

Ah, pret.

Vomit

Today, I vomited your noise.
Today, I vomited your clamoure
I regurgitated thump you've tried to intoxicate me.
Please, do stop.
I cannot manage.

SALT and LIGHT

things we take for granted, but the core of your faith.
am nobody if i refuse to try.
i have failed every now and then.
i keep trying, no matter what – too stubborn to stop.

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others.

Constipated.

There are similarities between women’s orgasm, constipation and publishing an article in an international journal.

There are – first, they need concentration, not to give up. Women need to concentration and focus to get orgasm. Human needs for concentration to get ‘that moment, so the poo will successfully get out. Academics need concentration in working on their articles.

Second, if you are tired of trying to concentration in such a long wait, then you tend to give up. Thus, you end with no result. No orgasm. No poo. No publication.

disable(d)

Only if you disable your ignorance,
then you will see my disability.
Only if you disable your idiocy,
then you will understand disability is not always visible.

 

Please be patient with me.

slow down

Slow your speed down when you speak.
I am a novice.
I want to taste your world, without haste.
I don’t want to fill to full, chocked up.
Slow down.

Multi-faces

People are multi sided. Never too kind and never too evil.

They are just people, whatever experiences they have encountered. They can be sweet in one context and be generously salty in another context.

So do not decide whether you like or dislike them, at your most extreme judgement – before you see all their faces.

Wait patiently before you  come to the final decision as you have to waive it for a very long, long, long time.

Autonomy

Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far. It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere – on water and land.”
― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass

I cannot let people speak for me, lead me to decide realities. Realities are mine, whether they are wrong or right.

You do not tell me which people are good, which people are bad, which people are saints, which people are assholes. And wish I would believe you. Well, at least we’ll see. I’ll see.

I want to decide it myself and fully responsible for what I believe – when they are right decision, also when they are wrong ones.

TEXTING

I love short sentences. They are easy and give more clarity.

S-P-O-K enter
S-P-O-K enter
S-P-O-K enter
S-P-O-K enter

If you prefer writing long sentences in a paragraph – it is okay. I still read your message. But please do not judge me the way I write and send my message for you.

Nothing really personal but style differences.