Years ago, I had to live in another country – far away from my closest people. There were friends, who told me their state of limbo after I was gone – because I wasn’t there with them. One of them told me she created images of me being there, so she could survive. One of them told people she felt companionless. When they told me,  I was like “Oh. Ok.”

It is not that I could not understand their situation, but I saw it differently thus the way I expressed it was not their favorite. Though I was there most of the time to chat with them and to support them from far away, still for them I was (am) a coldhearted monster. People may say I was incapable in sharing mutual respect as I keep giving them unusual and unexpected responses, which left people flabbergasted.

Relationship for me is like a party in a nightclub. It is social and entertaining, everybody lines up to get in because it is fun. Loud music, stage lights, thick smoke, dance, crowds. It will take a blink of an eye before I would make conversation that is considered by others to be tedious, hard to understand, or one-sided. In every relationship, I am waiting to be left out of conversations, for reasons that the way I speak and how I see the world are difficult to discern.

I wish I could be there too – at the night club to have fun with friends. I wish I was normal. The reality, I don’t think I have any knowledge of what sort of impression types of situation makes on most people. I acknowledge them, but my bizarre responds to them are socially unacceptable.

I bleed to know myself. I am still learning to speak a human language (why can’t they learn my language?)

How about my friends? One of them has declined our friendship, long time ago. One who has tried to stay – is taking off too. And I miss them all. I know that I keep in my heart. I bring them into my silent world. 



Our Demon

It is our demon, who prevent us from being kind to others. It is our demon, who fails us to see others as they are. We sigh at our dirty windows, dark soul. We see other people are as dark as our sight, as evil as our mind.

Then we blame on others. Excusing our demon as our strategy of protection from what our demon tells us as evil people, protecting us from others.

And our demon creeps even deeper, inside us – eating us alive.



Gojek: A Space of Relationships

I applied GoRide countless time. But, never been so anxious with an enigmatic connected presence (Licoppe, 2004), to describe what so called a sense of being intimate and attached from a certain distributed family.

Long story short, this is my email for Gojek’s customer service:

Gojek yang baik,
perkenalkan nama saya Endah Triastuti.
Saya pengguna aplikasi gojek dengan nomor hp 0812XXXXXX
Hari ini, saya mengalami kejadian yang sungguh tidak mengenakan dan membuat saya cemas.
  1. ada telpon ke whatsapp saya dari gosend. Laki-laki itu menyatakan akan mengantar paket untuk saya. Saya menyatakan tidak sedang menggunakan jasa gosend. Ia maksa mau antar, saya tanya antar ke mana? Ia bilang ke warung buncit. Baik kantor dan rumah saya bukan di warung buncit.
  2. Tidak beberapa lama, saya ditelpon oleh nomor yang sama lagi ke telpon (bukan whatsapp), menyatakan dari gosend dan mau antar barang. Saya bilang hal yang sama bahwa saya tidak pesan gosend. Saya tanya siapa nama penerimanya, ia bilang: atas nama Diah. Nama saya Endah, bukan Diah. Ia bilang: oh, nomor salah ya? Dan saya tutup.
  3. Nomor yang sama menghubungi saya beberapa kali – tapi saya hiraukan.
  4. Lalu tidak beberapa lama, saya ditelpon lagi dengan nomor yang berbeda – saya angkat dan lagi-lagi dari gosend dan mau antar barang. Saya bilang dengan kesal (karena saya sedang bekerja) bahwa saya tidak pesan gosend. Saya tanya ia ada di mana, ia bilang ada di warung buncit. Saya tanya siapa yang akan diantar? ia bilang namanya ayu. Saya bilang nama saya Endah dan saya ada di UI Depok. Lalu saya tutup.
  5. Lalu, nggak berapa nomor yang sama telpon masih ngotot mau antar paket dan tanya rumah saya di mana? saya nggak jawab. Lalu ketika saya mau menutup telpon, ia sempat bilang: Ibu galak banget, bentak2.
  6. Lalu, saya sms dengan mengatakan: ia tidak sopan dan akan saya laporkan ke gojek.
  7. Tidak berapa lama, nomor lain telpon saya 4 kali. Lalu saya blok.
  8. Lagi, nomor telpon yang lain telpon saya 4 kali. Lalu saya blok.
  9. Tidak berapa lama saya di add di wa grup Komunitas Gojek XXXXX. Saya left.
  10. Lalu ada lagi yg tlp saya – tidak saya angkat.
  11. Lalu saya di add ladi di grup yang sama wa grup Komunitas Gojek XXXXX. Total saya left 2 kali.
Saya merasa tidak aman sekali. Saya sama sekali tidak punya order gosend.
Saya menelpon customer service gojek yang meminta saya untuk menulis email ini dengan menyertakan semua bukti (terlampir).
Semoga Gojek dapan mencari jalan keluarnya. Terima kasih.
WhatsApp Image 2018-12-06 at 3.46.29 PM (1)
We may agree that Gojek is a leading national mobile apps that share the face of modernity. It is where social and economy structures are entangled in the most high dynamic. Gojek is where people are, a communication-at-a-distance. 
Yet, my experience is an evidence that a communication-at-distance has reached its point of beyond distance. In contrast, it creates a space of intensified complex spatial relations. Why it is complex? Because of this:
WhatsApp Image 2019-03-12 at 10.19.24 AM
So feeding my curiosity – I have tracked down the community that has added me to their online community in whats app. I found them, though. Not sure whether they recognise my number by looking at my face.
Gojek – though it started from an effort to sustain urban economic, my experience show there is a performance of closest and most familiar consociates community, that role continuously in time in spite of physical separation (Christensen, 2009). 
In other words, it is apparent that media instead of de-spatialise people, in fact reinforce close ties between previously anonymous people. Media do not diffuse them, as Fletcher has predicted in 1992.
In turns, “in this way locative media create, as the Brazilian writer André Lemos notes, ‘augmented realities [. . .] integrated, mixed processes that merge electronic and physical territories, creating new forms and new senses of place’ (Lemos, 2009).

Courage to see

I think it needs a courage to love ourselves through people’s eyes.

It may need our strength to accept things our eyes cannot yet see, which other clearly can see through with clarity. On contrary, it may require our grace to trust our sight, which other refuse to accept instead of believing what they want to see but the truth.

Things other can see through, things we refuse to see – acknowledge them, then learn to accept them. Because they are part of you and you will love them no matter what.

Things you see but others wrongly accuse when they see you – trust them. Never let anyone impair your visual, but forgive those people. Understand that others may apply their own vision.

We do not deserve of being offended by others as well as by ourselves – but to love ourselves, unconditionally with courage.




(broken) Mirror


Somewhere along the way we have recollected and framed our fear, sadness, anger, wreck, trauma – keep them and carry them everywhere, in the mirror. We constantly carry that mirror, facing inward toward ourselves as we are too afraid of others can see our hurts, breakdowns, flaws, and imperfection.

As we carry that mirror facing inward toward ourselves, we may think we are successfully hide the hideous part of ours. Yes. Not only other can hardly see the real us – in fact, that mirror blocks us too to see the beauty of others. Instead, we only see their hurts, their breakdowns, their flaws and their imperfections. Thus we label them and judge them.

Every hurt and breakdown and flaw and imperfection of others we have seen and used against others are our reflections. It comes from the mirror we carry facing inward toward ourselves.

The reflection that we see everyday has nothing to do with other or how others see us. The glass lies, break it.

“A beautiful human should break its mirror early.” – then we attain to see how beautiful we are, how beautiful others.


A baffle

I think we are confused, sometimes.

We would be nearly without doubt accepting credits from people who thinks they have seen our very best and beauty and benevolence and aristocracy tang.

That becomes our privilege.

On the other side, we profoundly tempted to blurt out our flaws to avoid from being alienated from ourselves.

These flaws entitle us human. 

But some are aware of being a human or not is trivial. For some are delighted at being aliens. Being a darling for everyone is more exultant – baffling flaws, straining them in the dark of the soul.