For Mariana, who shows me this movie about A new image for men
“awalnya bagaiman laki-laki harus berburu, harus bersaing, harus survive, dikehidupan publik sementara perempuan harus di rumah dan mengasuh anak. Di sinilah, bagaimana laki-laki dijauhkan dari sifat kasih sayang, kelembutan dan kepedulian. Yang membawa mereka pada budaya kekerasan, persaingan, dan dengan keadaan tertekan”
Then, I am lost. Because now, I am living in two worlds.
I am a woman, but I play both roles: as a provider and as a career, as ‘a man’ and as ‘a woman’. I have to survive in public sphere, earn money, pursue my career. I fix things. I carry heavy stuffs. I have to ‘stay’ at home, looking after Gita, let alone to cook, to wash, to tidy up, to tug her to bed.
A note: Yes, I need and ask help from people. But who doesn’t?
I have turned into a firm, stubborn, strong-minded, competitive, hard-working, harsh, nasty, rude person (exactly like a stereotyped man). Yet, I have embraced love, gentle, sensitive, protective, supportive attitude (exactly like a stereotyped woman).
A note: Yes, I cry. But who doesn’t?
So, I am strong but cannot be hostile and violent. I am very sensitive and caring, but cannot be stupid and docile.
A note: Yes, sometimes I feel weak and do not know what to do. But, who doesn’t?
I could choose to be confused, “Am I a man or a woman?”. But I prefer to see that there is no such things: that women are like that, men are like this. Those, all of those masculine traits are for men and feminine traits are women, are, to me, myths.
I bear witness, that there is no such things. I experience it myself.
Yes, sometimes I feel lonely, people see me as a weirdo. A strange person. I am lovable, with no emotion. I can be very feminine, when I am very masculine. People refuse to believe that two things can happen at the same time: masculine and feminine. As a complete package in a human.
In fact, I now believe (and I am very sure!), that was how we were created: to be both masculine and feminine. To be honest, now I believe that there were no such names: masculine and feminine. We, human, invented them, I think. We are, inside us, both masculine and feminine that were murdered. Women’s masculinity died. Men’s femininity passed away. Or, fainted?
Tell me. Ain’t I a human?
Ps. If you want to know, yes. I feel content, happy, blessed, grateful for being like this, and totally NOT miserable.