When I am lost

My self defence mechanism is…. sleeping. I’m aware of my condition will get better while sleeping. I just knew that sleeping is our uncounscious meditation. In sleep we will get limited energy. Mmhhh it’s not bad, no? Also, I just learnt that within each of us there is a stillness and sanctuary to which we can retreat at any time and be ourselves. This sanctuary can’t be violated by the turmoil of events. This place feels no trauma and stores no hurt. I believe sleeping helps me to head that place.

Lately I’ve been trying to learn how to meditate. I started it by answering 30 questions of control questionairre, then I found my self as having more fears and hurt feeling then I let on, but I don’t work hard to resolve that feelings. I have found someone whom I can be honest and open with, but there are limits to how much I can safely say or do, even with that person.

According to Davit Viscott, pain is one of our basics sensations that arroused by our emotion. He stresses on pain which comes first in our emotional complexity cycle (and end up with complex feelings such as guilt and depression). The cycle of emotion is as follows:

Pain in the present is experienced as hurt.
Pain in the past is remembered as anger.
Pain in the future is perceived as anxiety.
Unexpressed anger, redirected against yourself and held within, is called guilt.
The depletion of energy that occurs when anger is redirected inward creates depression.

Then I decided to do several exercises. I would like to share this to you, I quoted these five points from “Ageless body, timeless mind”:

  1. I feel hurt, but that doesn’t mean the other person was bad or meant to hurt me. He doesn’t know my entire past, and I don’t know his. There’s always another side to the story, despite my hurt.
  2. I’ve been hurt like this before, and therefore maybe I was too quick to judge this incident. I need to see each thing as it is.
  3. I don’t need to see myself as a victim here. When was the last time I was on the other side of the same situation? Didn’t I feel pretty caught up in my own motives? Did I give any more importance to the other person’s hurt than mine was given this time?
  4. Let me forget my feelings for a second. How did that other person feel? Perhaps he just lost control or was too wrapped up in his own world to notice my hurt.
  5. This incident can help me. I don’t really care about blaming this person or getting back. I want to find out the kinds of things that create threat in me. The more I think about it, the more I see this as an opportunity to take responsibility for my feelings. That makes is easier for me to forgive, since anyone who teaches me something about myself deserves my thanks (Hi there, you, I thank you 🙂 )

Does it mean being hurt or feeling hurt bad? The answer is NO, because although it is unpleasant, hurt is real. In fact, we have to feel comfortable with all the pains caused by hurt -because the ability to release it will grow after we feel comfortable with our pain. After that, instead of blaming the one who hurts you, you will able to forgive 🙂 (yay! it’s cool, isn’t it?). So this is the exercise you can do (I did it already hehehe) how to feel (and life) in the present:

  1. Realize that hurt is the most basic negative feeling. You cannot be in the present without willingness to feel hurt.
  2. Be with your sensation. Resist the impulse either to deny what you feel or to turn it into anger.
  3. Say what you feel to the person who caused the hurt.
  4. Resolve your emotion and move on.

It sounds awful, doesn’t it? But in fact, this is a gate of freedom. I learnt to say “I feel hurt” is to develop myself to be opened (to myself and to others hehe), and coming to the moment by putting my attention on the pain allows me to release the pain as soon as it occurs.

Wanna try?


Look at the world, everything all around us, look at the world and marvel every day. Look at the world: so many joys and wonders, so many miracles along our way.
Praise to thee, O lord for all creation. Give us thankful hearts that we may see. All the gifts we share, and every blessing, all things come of thee.
Look at the earth bringing forth fruit and flower, look at the sky the sunshine and the rain. Look at the hills, look at the trees and mountains, valley and flowing river, field and plain.
Think of the spring, think of the warmth of summer bringing the harvest before winter’s cold. Everything grows, everything has a season, till it is gathered to the Father’s fold.
Every good gift, all that we need and cherish. Comes from the Lord in token of his love. We are his hands, stewards of all his bounty. His is the earth and his the heavens above.


6 thoughts on “When I am lost

  1. The problem is somehow like this quote:

    I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.Orson Welles

    Yes, accepting is a the best one could do, but the let go would better… (resolved…? maybe:D )

    whispering words of wisdom, let it go…, let it go…

    • 🙂 certaintly.
      to let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself and..
      to let go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
      Terimakasih ya for always supporting me from a distance hehehehe
      apa kabar? how’s everything? sehatkan? atau kembali menginap di RS?

      • Maybe, when we face reality, there would be denial of reality itself because we don’t like it… (ouch…, it would be hard).

        When we see clearly, that hatred, anger, and other emotion come as our very self as an useless burden, than we would let it go. But somehow it is hard to see clearly, yes, I do mostly come into one of those emotion.

        But, when the clarity arives, maybe we would have some fresh clean room in our heart, so we may let ourself to meditate or doing anything in a joyful room.

        Saya baik saja, hanya dengan beberapa kesibukan yang menguras stamina fisik dan mental. Tentunya kalau ke rumah sakit saya harap tidak menjadi pasien. Saya hanya izinkan sakit “bertamu” setahun sekali 😀

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