This month was expected to be my big month. My birthday was in the first week of this month, and my first year proposal review should be sometimes around this month too. I wished for a beautiful moment, should it?
Well, at the first time, I had that moment. I prepared the birthday lunch with my daughter. I received tons of warm and nice texts from people I know and i don’t know. I was so happy.
I enthusiastically worked on my proposal, thought I had done it my best, and hoped my supervisors would like it. I had a very high self confidence coz I acknowledged my research is something innovative.
Then I felt the happiness started edging towards the door, wanted to get as far as possible from my life. One by one came troubles, sadness, distruction, humiliation, rage, distrust, fail, disapointment, you mention! I ended up feeling so tired and weak, I cried a lot. I was starting to swear people in my facebook, thing i hated before. You have to see my unit. It’s sooooo messsyyyy. Now, I belief a house is reflection of its owner’s feeling. You could hardly find tidy nice spot in my unit. Shame on me.
Then, best friends came, some in with nice words – other in with upseting words. However, they made me think. THINK (at this point, I agreed with the Descartes’ famous saying hahaha). I am thinking. I stoped complaining and sharing. Just THINK. I’ve been doing my meditation for weeks. My soul mate said: I cannot control what other people think or do or feel or imagine or suspect or say or else. We keep sending “neutral” messages/actions to them and they put meanings in to our action. They attach their feeling, their experience, their emotion, their background and maybe their lives. I will end up DEAD following their “rules”: don’t say this, don’t say that, you should do this, you shouldn’t do that, you have to behave like this, you have to behave like that, and so on. I will trouble my emotion conforming their nature or customs or else.
I acknowledge myself as a good person, a good friend, a good mother, a good lecture, a good student, a good employer, a good daughter, a good sister, a good partner, a good human. I acknowledge myself as a responsible person, and I am proud of myself. I acknowledge other, that they are special and have their own backgrounds and customs. I respect them, yet I don’t need to conform their values.
I’d been a needy, a whingy bingy, a complainarian, a choleric person. I was Hannibal Lector. BUT I am moving forward now. I don’t look back anymore. I do believe people can change. I can.
And I learnt it is very easy to keep wounds caused by others. To use them as excuses for self-unreadiness to grow. And I realized forgiveness is a gift I give myself. It is really doesnt matter if person who hurt me deserve to be forgiven or not. I am tooo weak to keep carying hatreds for my live time. I prefer to forgive as my strong move to make. I realize some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with my anger. I wish them well, and let them go their way.
I dont want become someone who’s stupid to live.